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My fellow Nigerians

I have received and read most of the letters you have sent or written in the national dailies. You people have time o! Do you know how many of such letters I receive daily? Maybe if you stop writing letters, I would actually have time to do other important things like play squash as former presidents before me did. Well, anyway as a result of the love I have for the citizenry of this our great nation; I have decided to reply some of the common issues raised in your letters.

A major content of all your letters is the issue of power. A lot of you keep asking for constant power supply. Raising important points like how this will drive the economy, improve the productivity of small and medium scale businesses and even reduce the risk of environmental pollution caused by smoking generators. I am well aware of all these. However I have one question for you.  Have you paid your bills? You’re here writing all this English yet the truth is that majority of you are owing PHCN bills. Some of you do not even have metres, another set successfully connect power lines to their homes illegally. Tell me my fellow Nigerians, if you cannot pay your monthly bills with the epileptic power supply we have now, how will you pay it when supply becomes constant?

Reports reaching me indicate that you have even brilliantly learnt how to bypass the prepaid meters that were introduced. Look, until you all pay your outstanding bills, let’s leave the issue of constant power. Be content with the one you have, if it’s not enough, buy a generator. I would see how I can negotiate with Mikano and Tiger to bring down the prices so that they are more affordable.

This brings me to the next two issues: minimum wage and fuel subsidy. I know a lot of you will say that if you were earning a good salary, you would have money to pay for things like your PHCN bills. Is it my fault that you’re not getting a good salary? Where were you when your mates were attending classes in the university? Oh, you were attending parties. Where were you when they were reading their books and making first class grades? You were watching premiership and drinking beer. Don’t blame me for your salary o! The country is hard. It’s not my fault at all; I’m just trying not to make it worse.

On the issue of fuel subsidy, look I don’t really understand the matter yet, I’m still seeking expert advice on it.

My fellow Nigerians, don’t worry about me, I am fine. You should also stop wondering whether I know what I’m doing. I do. As long as it’s not yet my third year in office, there is still enough time to get things done. Please stop with the letters and focus on your job let me focus on mine. Thanks for your co-operation. Don’t worry I didn’t forget the Boko Haram issue, we are still negotiating.

Long live the Federal Republic of Nigeria.